Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Manly Pursuits

I've been watching a lot of killing things shows on TV. You know--hunting, where people whisper about how beautiful a majestic Elk is before shooting it dead. I've noticed a lot of hunts occuring in Argentina, and I think it's because there's no bag limit, and you can kill literally thousands of doves on a single trip. Nothing more manyly then killing things.

Martha, on the other hand, decorates things. She spray paints pine cones and strews dead leaves on the table for thanksgiving. Stuff we used to do in first grade. I've often wonder when she's going to do her special on macaroni picture frames.

With the holidays upon us I think of Miss Martha more and more. I cuilled this from

On the twelfth day of Christmas, an incoherent Martha Stewart gave to us,
an imported dead German pine tree
11 glue and stick make-your-own decoration kits
10 very shiny, very tiny pieces of glass
9 illegible invitations
8 let*s-use-paper napkins
7 *is-this-a-mongram or a stain?* tea towels
a tie-dyed table runner
five cups of cold bitter tea,
four soggy Alaskas
three melted French chocolates
two English they-are-prunes! cakes
But the cat ate the partridge AND the pear sauce!


My favorite is the email that used to go around of Martha's holiday calendar. I dug it up from the email junkyard:

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and
use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones,
fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for

December 7
Debug Windows '98.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents"
in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will
be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive touch to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices,
and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping,
thus making many people feel less inadequate than
they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the
clock strikes midnight in that country.

Well, it seemed funny at the time.

But it does bring up the question: What do men do on Christmas? I mean, besides sit around and take in the smells as the women-folk cook? Drink Brnady? Smoke Cigars? Watch TV? The normal manly pursuits, only this time with cranberry sauce?

WIth this in mind I've come up with one or two essentials for a manly holiday season:

Football. Preferably muddy football. My old highschool classmates still hold a soccer game the day after thanksgiving, but that's nto manly enough--at least not in America, where soccer is for moms and Brandy Chastain. No, we mean football. My familly always played football on Thanksgiving afternoon. No game of football on TV is as good as any game of football you play yourself.

Turkey. The manly way to prepare turkey, of course, is southern style, in a deep fryer. sells them for about $66. You can find them elsewhere on the web as well.

Boar. Preferably one you've shot yourself (see also: Turkey), but if you can't manage that, you can get cuts of wild boar from Or, for that matter, whole wild turkeys. If you got a lot of people to feed, a whole farm raised pig is only $310.

Nog: forget the egg, get the nog. A good brandy mixes best. If you'r going to buy champagne for the holidays there are really only three choices: The Tits (Dom Perignon), Budget (Cooks--best you'll find under twenty dollars), and redneck (my family favorite, Andre! Try the cold duck).

Good Cheer. Make sure your electrical systme can handle the 200,000 light bulbs you're going to put up this year.

Shopping. Do it all on line, but go to Macy's anyway. Macy's is not for shopping. Macy's is survival training.

Finally, St. Nick. Department Store Santas are a nest of fleas and germs. Find an old biker buddy and put him in a red suit.


Sunday, November 20, 2005


(Which, while interesting, is not as cool a headline as “Martha Gets Caned.” Now that is something I’d pay to see ).

Martha Stewart was on Jon Stewart last week—or rather, Martha Stewart was on Jon Stewart’s "Daily Show" last week. It was a mostly uninteresting interview in which she hawked her most recent book (though she was pleasant and looked radiant). The most amusing part for me is when she freely admitted that she doesn’t choose who gets fired on “Martha Stewart Aprentice” that the producers make that choice.

Well, apparently they have chosen, because the very next day her show was cancelled.